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I don't know what to do really. It's about the possible future engagement.

One one hand, I really do want to marry him, I want the life with him that I've been dreaming about. I want it asap, and I know he's the one I love the most.

But on the other hand, I start thinking about all the details. Like finances, minute preferences in furniture or something, priority differences...

I'm a lot more responsible and Type A than he is, I guess. I'm worried that he's going to be too lax.. but I know he wouldn't be because he's serious about us...

But at the same time, I know we'd have to be supported by family, and that's only if they approve of it. Otherwise, there'll be no financial support. :c

I also don't know how to break it to my parents that I'm even thinking about it.
I've started to think that maybe 18 or 19 isn't too young to get engaged. And even if we exchange promise rings or something, how do I break THAT to my parents?

I really need some adult help, from someone who knows my parents at least a tiny bit, or knows me well... and who won't talk to them until I'm ready to. :c

I do want to marry him. I just am slightly afraid of financial issues and a divorce. (but the divorce worry is because of my parents.. >.> Not even related to James and my relationship..)

Current Mood:
worried worried
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I really don't feel at home at my dad's house.
Well, no. I do. I feel like it is a second home. That is, until it's time to go to sleep.
Currently, my room is in limbo. My brother had his room built out of the garage. He has a nice room. My dad and I were going to switch rooms, since Aaron and I no longer needed to share the bigger bedroom (on different nights). So. That's not happened yet. It's been a few months.
Currently my room has my bed, my bookshelf (empty), and my empty dresser in a little corner. The rest of the room is storage, and my brother's shit that he doesn't want.
My dad is still fine with the not switching, his room is exactly as he likes it. (well, minus more space)
It's not that he doesn't want to switch them. It's just not a high enough priority, apparently. Because I don't nag, and I trust that he'll do it when he has time/has people helping him, etc. I trust that he'll organize it. But apparently, I shouldn't be doing that.
I usually don't get more than 1 or 2 hours of sleep at my dad's house, but I don't want to tell him and make him feel bad. I just really don't feel at home, or that I have a bedroom here. It's filled with my dad and brother's stuff. It's not MY room. I have a bed. An empty dresser, and an empty bookshelf.
It's not an option for me to sleep at my mom's full time. I WANT to sleep here.. but I just can't sleep now.
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So. I have these weird bumps. Either bug bites (some bug must be having a fucking FEAST) or hives.

A few days ago, I noticed like 3. This morning there were like. 16. Now there are 22. Shit. I think it's some sort of allergic reaction. I just hope it's not to my new shot! I'm worried that it may be, since that's the only new thing I can think of that I've introduced to my system (other than perfumed laundry detergent, cause my mom was out of the hypoallergenic stuff I'm used to... but I used that on undies, and that area is FINE. so I don't think it's that.)
UGH. If it's my shot, I may have to get on meds to treat the allergies, because the HELL if I'm going back to the last shot. It had worse side effects. Like... burning, stinging, horrible pain. I prefer the itchy hives.

Except the fact that wearing a swimsuit is totally not gonna happen till it clears up. EW. I look like I'm diseased or something. It's totally awkward. :c I have like.. on my legs, hip, side, stomach, back, armpit, elbow... wtf?

*sigh* And I"m going to LA soon! :gonk: I'm gonna be surfing! And swimming! I can't have these ugly rashes then!
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So.. James-related trouble. But it's not a relationship problem. Completely, at least...

1. His mom is kicking both him and his older sister out. (He's 18, she's 19) Apparently they're "ungrateful brats". This will happen in about a month. James doesn't have many options of where to stay. The friends he knows who rent a house party all the time, and he wouldn't be able to focus on what he has to do (Work and school). His relatives may be able to help financially or something, but none of them live near here. My mom won't let him stay because she doesn't want stuff happening in her house, and I'm not 18 yet. His sister probably wont let him live with her, and neither of them want it. It's a last resort. There's his church, it has a men's shelter.. but that's not a good option. He's working hard, but wouldn't be able to afford an apartment or anything.. He doesn't know who to ask..
I wish I could help, but I don't know what to do!

2. James (probably because of this, and wanting stability) is bringing up engagement. He wants to get engaged, because to him, it doesn't mean setting the date, but it means a commitment that it will happen. (To me, it means setting a date). I do want to marry him, but not now! I'm too young. We agreed to talk about it when I turn 18, but I really don't want to get married or engaged yet!
Possibly engaged at age 19, but marriage at like..21 or something. >.>
James is the opposite. He wants it asap. He wants to be with me, have the commitment, and the stability. Engagement at 18, marriage at 19 or 20. (But we wouldn't even be able to DRINK at our wedding!)
I try telling him my feelings, and he understands.. but he also feels rejected.. :c

What do I do??
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I have officially given up any dreams of becoming a nurse.
The end.
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Sorry I abandoned my LJ for months.

Lets see. What's new?

Second Semester, I will be homeschooled with an online course. I'm sick too often for school. It sucks, but oh well. I'll get through school this way.

I'm graduating a year late at least because of being sick. >.> Oh well, age ain't nothin but a number. All that REALLY sucks is going to graduation as a guest...

After my hacking on gaia, i've become aquainted with my mule (secondary) account. :3 I'm doing ok. I want my old account back, but I'm not dying without it.

James and I had our 2nd anniversary on December 21. ;3 We're doing great.

Um, email me if you want to talk. I miss people. contact.. it sucks.


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I hate stupid douchebag hackers. >.> Can I castrate them? Please?

.... Wanna help?

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Note to self:

Read all of these books. Possibly collect?

Planeswalker (Artifacts II)
Time Streams (Artifacts III)
Bloodlines (Artifacts IV)

The Gathering Dark (Iceage I)
The Eternal Ice (Iceage II)
The Shattered Alliance (Iceage III)

Mercadian Masques (Masquerade I)
Nemesis (Masquerade II)

Invasion (Invasion I)
Planeshift (Invasion II)
Apocalypse (Invasion III)

Odyssey (Odyssey I)
Chainer's Torment (Odyssey II)
Judgment (Odyssey III)

Onslaught (Onslaught I)
Legions (Onslaught II)
Scourge (Onslaught III)

Outlaw: Champions of Kamigawa (Kamigawa I)
Heretic: Betrayers of Kamigawa (Kamigawa II)
Guardian: Saviors of Kamigawa (Kamigawa III)

Ravnica (Ravnica I)
Guildpact (Ravnica II)
Dissension (Ravnica III)

Planar Chaos (Timespiral II)

The Thran

I really need to read these. The Magic the Gathering books really are interesting! James and I will end up owning them all. ^_^ At least, all the official ones.
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It's weird. A friend of mine whom I got to be close with lately suddenly had news for me. They are transexual. I'm not particularly surprised by this info, it's easy to adjust my way of thinking of them in my mind to how they prefer it, so that's not what i'm writing about.
What I am writing about though, is why did they feel so comfortable coming out to me? I mean.. yes I'm openly bi, and obviously ok with stuff like that. (not just ok, but I accept it) But we only recently became close!
Anyways.. I'm happy for them. For Kaida. ^_^ I hope coming out at her own pace is to everyone isn't hard.
I'm glad I'm friends with her. She's awesome as hell. ^____^

that is all!

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Today is the day that I have to say goodbye to my three-year-old dog, Boonie. We got him from the shelter and he just isnt working out. We've tried for about three months... I'm really going to miss that aweful brat of a dog. Yeah, he never listened, and he barked at other dogs (on his good days), tried to attack them if he was close enough, but when around only humans, he was the sweetest dog ever. I love you Boons. I'm going to miss you a lot.
Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
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